Who Are You Meant to Be?

Besides being a Go-Go dancer and a long haul truck driver, I thought it would be cool to be a gypsy. I imagined myself with long dark curling hair, exotic features accented with black kohl, and wearing peasant blouses, flowing skirts, sandals with gold bangle bracelets jangling on my wrists. I would sing and dance by firelight and play sorrowful tunes on the violin. I would travel with my gypsy family from place to place meeting so many people and then moving on; always moving on.

Reality is a kick in the butt. I don't have long flowing curls or exotic features. I can't sing well or dance without tripping and the violin? I don't have the time or patience to learn. I am married to a man who has roots sunken so deep, we will never leave for more than a two vacation. I have tried wearing the flowing skirts but I shut one in a door once and flashed quite a lot of people in the Wal*Mart parking lot. Bangle bracelets while pretty, bug me because they bangle around and won't stay still. I really don't wear any jewelry at all, including a wedding ring. I am a stay at home mom and having a hard time finding fulfillment in that calling. I am grateful for this time with my kids but I find myself longing for more. I talked with my husband about going back to school. The question always comes up about what degree to pursue and I always draw a blank. I just want to go to school and take the classes that sound interesting. Unfortunately, in order to get a degree I need to take a few math classes and that doesn't interest me at all. I would be a lifelong student with no degree to my name and no career to go after. The only plus to this education is that I might be able to play Trivial Pursuit better. Ben doesn't really have a problem with me going to school but I think not having a clear goal in mind goes against his grain and I cannot justify the cost of the classes I want to take 'just because.' However...

The other day I was in CVS and impulsively bought the November '09 issue of "O" (Oprah) magazine. If you haven't read one, I have to say it is one of the better magazine out there. In my opinion anyway. The tag line that caught my attention read: How to Talk So People Will Listen-4 Ways To Make Yourself Heard". I thought to myself that might come in handy. I still haven't read the article. Instead I went to the article 'Who Are You Meant to Be? A step-by-step guide to finding and fulfilling your purpose+28 questions that will change the way you see yourself." I thought this would be an interesting exercise in trying to figure out what I want to be when I 'grow up.'

First, my eldest daughter Olivia took the quiz "Who Am I Meant to Be?"and to no one's surprise got the result 'Striving to Be In Control." The first line in the description reads, "You approach everything as though you were born to be in charge." It goes on and on about her being 'confident, assertive decisive....no fear of confrontation...generously donating time and energy." Some of what this style of personality needs to be aware of is the tendency to 'become confrontational and domineering, sometimes to the point of being dictatorial." I told her Dad and he wasn't the least bit surprised. No one who knows Olivia would be surprised by that. She admits it. Ben took the quiz and got the same result. Need I point out that no one is surprised by that either? The fact that they both want to be in control explains a lot about their explosive relationship. He is fond of teasing us with the proclamation that "This (our family) is not a democracy! It is a DICTATORSHIP!" To which I generally mutter something about him being the Head Dic...or vice versa. Ben is also fond of telling me he is God's gift to women. I suppose if God really does have a sense of humor and I think he does, Ben could be a gag gift. I have visions of taking him to the church women's Christmas party as a White Elephant gift. I would bring him in, with a bow on his head and set him at the gift table with strict instructions to keep quiet so someone would pick him and maybe I could get the pretty candle set for the mantle.

I took the quiz next and fully expected to get results like 'Striving to be a Nurturer' or 'Striving to Be Creative.' Instead, to my surprise I received the result "Striving to Be Knowledgeable." When I read that my first impression was that it was a joke, especially since the first line read: You are an intellectual. (shh, I'm not really that smart, I bluff pretty well.) It went on to say "Incisive and curious, you are driven to understand how things work. But that's things, not people. Oh, your family and friends are important; it's just that you don't need to spend hours engaging with them." I thought to myself 'nope that is wrong.' but the more I thought about it, the more I had to admit it could be true. Not the part about me being an intellectual, that part still makes me laugh, but the part about keeping a distance from people. I actually am very guilty of that. As long as the basics are covered and everyone is happy, I am fine. I don't need to know every detail of every one's life. Mostly, I don't really want to know. That doesn't mean I don't care or can't keep a secret, if someone needs me too. I think the reason I can keep a secret so well is that I zone out when someone is telling me and only hear part of it anyway. My sister once told me I frustrated her so much as a teenager because I would have a great boyfriend and when things were going very well, I would break up with him. She could never understand why, nor could I. Perhaps I am uncomfortable with people knowing too much about me. Maybe I am afraid that if they really knew me they wouldn't like me. That sounds morbid but it is better than my visions of putting out a 'hit' on Ben simply because the man' knows too much.' That is so horrible but it is the truth. The article said I should balance my "cerebral tendencies with physical activities, like jogging, hiking or dance". (snort!) The article also mentioned I should discover who I am 'meant to be by accumulating insight and knowledge' and I should 'follow (my) curiosity.'

I am still having a hard time wrapping my brain around the idea of spending money to take a class simply because but maybe by taking a class in art history or creative writing I could find what I am meant to do and be and perhaps I'll have enough incentive to get those stinking math classes out of the way so I can get that diploma.