Victim of Identity Theft

My sister-in-law was telling me the other day about a radio show host who said something to the effect of “if I hear one more ‘stay at home mom’ complain about wanting to BE somebody, I am going to slap her.” As a stay at home mom, I can appreciate what he is saying and I thank him for his compliment, however, I don’t think he fully grasps what we mean when we say that phrase.
When a little girl is born, she is given a name to be added to her father’s name and in time, as she grows, the name becomes her own. This name has always been with her and it is who she is. Through school, activities, friends and so on, any accomplishment has her name on it. It is her identity.
Some girls have rotten childhoods and not many accomplishments are awarded so maybe to them, changing a name is not such a bad thing. It might even be the best thing for them. This was not the case with me.
I was born Sara Sanford Hooker. (Spare your jokes, I have heard them before and made a few of them up myself.) My family loved me and despite the jokes, my name has always been a source of pride for me. Sandy Hooker had gymnastics, baton lessons, high school band, numerous friends and a lot of good times. Sandy Hooker was a good person. She was average height, average build, and average looks with average intelligence. She was friendly, fun and had good friends. Because of the group of people surrounding her she grew up secure enough that negative peer pressure wasn’t as difficult for her as it was for some. I don’t know that she was as good a friend as she could have been but that was a lesson learned later.
Despite a happy childhood, Sandy Hooker met a man at age 18, fell in love and was married three months before turning 20, ignoring the lessons her parents had taught her about finishing school and living on her own for awhile.
I miss her.
Getting married at 19 with no real education or experience being on my own is a scary, stupid thing. I didn’t know that at the time and could not know it because I was ‘in L.O.V.E.’ I was married for three days before someone , not related to me referred to me as Mrs. Tilton. It was the desk clerk at a hotel in Savannah, GA while Ben and I were on our honeymoon. I don’t know what the difference is between family saying it and a total stranger but it was a profound moment for me. At that moment, Sandy Hooker started to fade away, I just didn’t know.
At church with Ben, I was known to many as Sister Ben. Throughout town, I was Mrs. Ben. Twenty years later, it isn’t as bad but it still happens from time to time. I just grit my teeth and smile. As years passed, Ben and I had children and I became Olivia’s or Kelly’s or Stephanie’s or Bradley’s or Sophie’s mom. Nicknames have been ‘Tilton’ or ‘Tilt’. I began to suspect my problem during my last pregnancy when I was asked to fill out a form and part of the form asked me about my likes and dislikes. Another part of the form asked me about my hobbies. After completing and reading it over, I noticed that they were all Ben’s likes and dislikes, all Ben’s hobbies. I couldn’t say whether or not they were my own.
During the pregnancy of my fifth child I realized I had ‘lost myself.’ A term I had often laughed at in the past. How is it a person loses themselves, I wondered. It isn’t like losing a child in the store, that much I know but panic sets in just as much.
I have often considered what life would be like if I had kept my maiden name or at the very least added it to Ben’s name with a hyphen. How would he have felt? Some men consider it a great honor to give their name to the woman they love. To share their name is to share their identity and a large part of who they are. It is a way to express love and let everyone know that the two are one now. However, would Ben have loved me enough to take the name “Hooker”? I am not so sure of that. He has brushed off my questions saying that that isn’t the way things are so quit asking but still, I wonder. How would he have felt if I had insisted on keeping it for myself? Would he have been insulted? More than likely, I think. Would he have felt differently if my name had been ‘Smith’? The world may never know.
Any accomplishment I have had since marriage has had my married name attached to it, as if because of marriage, my accomplishment is his also. This may be true but where is my name in his accomplishments? It is no where and it won’t ever be.
This is what I mean by identity theft. I don’t think by marrying me, Ben set out to do away with me. I think he married me with all noble intentions and still does not understand why I feel this way. I am tired of trying to find old friends and having little success because they are married now and have changed names. How many have tried to find me with no success?
My name is what it is now and that is because of a choice I made. I tell my kids all the time that ‘while a person has the right to choose their actions, they don’t have the right to choose the consequences.’ This is one of the lessons learned that as a teenager meant next to nothing but has had an impact on my adult life. Many of the choices made when I was young didn’t have any affect until years later but as a teenager, I couldn’t see past graduation. It is my hope that my kids will take more care and consideration when making choices.
Maybe my problem is really not identity theft, it is more like ‘identity misplacement.’ The hard part now is going out to find it. So, kids, pray and listen to your elders, we aren’t as dumb as we look; and above all remember who you are at all times so you don’t wake up in a few years not knowing.
Sara Sanford (Hooker) Tilton