Who Are You Meant to Be?

Besides being a Go-Go dancer and a long haul truck driver, I thought it would be cool to be a gypsy. I imagined myself with long dark curling hair, exotic features accented with black kohl, and wearing peasant blouses, flowing skirts, sandals with gold bangle bracelets jangling on my wrists. I would sing and dance by firelight and play sorrowful tunes on the violin. I would travel with my gypsy family from place to place meeting so many people and then moving on; always moving on.

Reality is a kick in the butt. I don't have long flowing curls or exotic features. I can't sing well or dance without tripping and the violin? I don't have the time or patience to learn. I am married to a man who has roots sunken so deep, we will never leave for more than a two vacation. I have tried wearing the flowing skirts but I shut one in a door once and flashed quite a lot of people in the Wal*Mart parking lot. Bangle bracelets while pretty, bug me because they bangle around and won't stay still. I really don't wear any jewelry at all, including a wedding ring. I am a stay at home mom and having a hard time finding fulfillment in that calling. I am grateful for this time with my kids but I find myself longing for more. I talked with my husband about going back to school. The question always comes up about what degree to pursue and I always draw a blank. I just want to go to school and take the classes that sound interesting. Unfortunately, in order to get a degree I need to take a few math classes and that doesn't interest me at all. I would be a lifelong student with no degree to my name and no career to go after. The only plus to this education is that I might be able to play Trivial Pursuit better. Ben doesn't really have a problem with me going to school but I think not having a clear goal in mind goes against his grain and I cannot justify the cost of the classes I want to take 'just because.' However...

The other day I was in CVS and impulsively bought the November '09 issue of "O" (Oprah) magazine. If you haven't read one, I have to say it is one of the better magazine out there. In my opinion anyway. The tag line that caught my attention read: How to Talk So People Will Listen-4 Ways To Make Yourself Heard". I thought to myself that might come in handy. I still haven't read the article. Instead I went to the article 'Who Are You Meant to Be? A step-by-step guide to finding and fulfilling your purpose+28 questions that will change the way you see yourself." I thought this would be an interesting exercise in trying to figure out what I want to be when I 'grow up.'

First, my eldest daughter Olivia took the quiz "Who Am I Meant to Be?"and to no one's surprise got the result 'Striving to Be In Control." The first line in the description reads, "You approach everything as though you were born to be in charge." It goes on and on about her being 'confident, assertive decisive....no fear of confrontation...generously donating time and energy." Some of what this style of personality needs to be aware of is the tendency to 'become confrontational and domineering, sometimes to the point of being dictatorial." I told her Dad and he wasn't the least bit surprised. No one who knows Olivia would be surprised by that. She admits it. Ben took the quiz and got the same result. Need I point out that no one is surprised by that either? The fact that they both want to be in control explains a lot about their explosive relationship. He is fond of teasing us with the proclamation that "This (our family) is not a democracy! It is a DICTATORSHIP!" To which I generally mutter something about him being the Head Dic...or vice versa. Ben is also fond of telling me he is God's gift to women. I suppose if God really does have a sense of humor and I think he does, Ben could be a gag gift. I have visions of taking him to the church women's Christmas party as a White Elephant gift. I would bring him in, with a bow on his head and set him at the gift table with strict instructions to keep quiet so someone would pick him and maybe I could get the pretty candle set for the mantle.

I took the quiz next and fully expected to get results like 'Striving to be a Nurturer' or 'Striving to Be Creative.' Instead, to my surprise I received the result "Striving to Be Knowledgeable." When I read that my first impression was that it was a joke, especially since the first line read: You are an intellectual. (shh, I'm not really that smart, I bluff pretty well.) It went on to say "Incisive and curious, you are driven to understand how things work. But that's things, not people. Oh, your family and friends are important; it's just that you don't need to spend hours engaging with them." I thought to myself 'nope that is wrong.' but the more I thought about it, the more I had to admit it could be true. Not the part about me being an intellectual, that part still makes me laugh, but the part about keeping a distance from people. I actually am very guilty of that. As long as the basics are covered and everyone is happy, I am fine. I don't need to know every detail of every one's life. Mostly, I don't really want to know. That doesn't mean I don't care or can't keep a secret, if someone needs me too. I think the reason I can keep a secret so well is that I zone out when someone is telling me and only hear part of it anyway. My sister once told me I frustrated her so much as a teenager because I would have a great boyfriend and when things were going very well, I would break up with him. She could never understand why, nor could I. Perhaps I am uncomfortable with people knowing too much about me. Maybe I am afraid that if they really knew me they wouldn't like me. That sounds morbid but it is better than my visions of putting out a 'hit' on Ben simply because the man' knows too much.' That is so horrible but it is the truth. The article said I should balance my "cerebral tendencies with physical activities, like jogging, hiking or dance". (snort!) The article also mentioned I should discover who I am 'meant to be by accumulating insight and knowledge' and I should 'follow (my) curiosity.'

I am still having a hard time wrapping my brain around the idea of spending money to take a class simply because but maybe by taking a class in art history or creative writing I could find what I am meant to do and be and perhaps I'll have enough incentive to get those stinking math classes out of the way so I can get that diploma.

A Weekend in the Life of Olivia (a.k.a. Olivia, the spider and the Iron Man Gang)

On Friday night, while babysitting for some friends, Olivia walked unsuspecting to her car in order to get her pajamas from her bag. She was talking to her friend Andy on her phone at the time when she noticed 1’ from her face a large house spider on the ceiling of her car. She yelped and hit her head on the doorway of her car, leaving Andy to wonder what was happening. After treating him to the delightful sounds of the spider dance, she explained hesitatingly to him about her fear of spiders. I say “hesitatingly” because she also has a friend named Sean who is afraid of frogs and his pals waste no opportunity to throw frogs on him. Andy’s advice was to use the can of air freshener in the car to kill it. He may have meant to use the can to bash the thing but Olivia sprayed it instead. The spider didn’t like this of course and set about the death act. Olivia was shaken but triumphant that she has defeated the spider.

On Saturday, she spent part of the day with us at Anastasia State Park at the beach. We had planned a ‘September” birthday celebration. The day was perfect with the exception of all of the dead fish lining the beach, courtesy of the shrimpers just off the coast. Thanks guys! I digress. Unfortunately, Olivia had to return early to finish some online homework before going back to her babysitting job.

On the way home, Olivia noticed a large group of men on motorcycles complete with leather jackets that proclaimed them the “Iron Man Gang.”

From I-95 to Hastings, Olivia played a sort of ‘cat and mouse’ game with the gang passing and looking at her bikini clad self through the open window (no A/C). There was one particular member who stood out because his leather jacket appeared newly stitched with the gang’s logo and he was riding an ape [ ]. Somewhere around Federal Point, Olivia decided to pass the gang thinking to be rid of them but homeboy” broke formation and rode up behind her to tailgate for a quarter mile before pulling up along side her. After a few attempts at communication on his part, Olivia freaked out a little, checked her rear view mirror and seeing no one close behind, hit the brakes. He braked as well, throwing his arms up in the air as if to say ‘What the #*@@? and went back into formation. Shortly after this, Olivia made to turn off onto Cracker Swamp Rd followed by homeboy, who had ridden up behind her again. She was thinking of calling Dawn, pulling a ‘U’ie and heading back to the Murray house where the guns are ready and loaded, when he pulled back in line with the rest of the gang who passed by waving at her. She said she was shaking so back she has to use her left foot to control the gas and brake.

Remember the spider she killed the night before? Right! Well, on Sunday after church we were all loading up to go home when Olivia ran up to me and asked to drive the van home. I thought maybe her car was giving her trouble so I said I would. She was following me back to her car however and midway pulled off one of her heeled sandals, handed it to me and said “You might need this.” The spider was back. She noticed the spider on the ceiling over the back seat when she turned around to back out of her parking space. She didn’t panic at first, ‘only squeaked a little’ she said, then pulled back into her space before coming to get me. She did admit, however that she forgot to turn the motor off and unbuckle her seat belt before getting out of the car. After getting that sorted out and coming to get me she stood off to the side in a pretty sun dress and one shoe while I made like I was going to do away with it once and for all. She told me the spider was on the ceiling but I didn’t see it at first so I stuck my head cautiously into the car looking around and eventually found it (approximately the size of the palm of my hand) directly over my head, at which point I banged my head on the car, whipped around and ran into the car parked in the next spot. Following a good 5 second ‘spider dance’ accompanied by Olivia over on the sidewalk, I blindly banged her shoe onto the ceiling missing the spider. I tried a few more times not realizing that we had drawn the attention of a few of the other church members who were also leaving. Jeremy Hawkins drove by and gallantly allowed himself to be persuaded (he didn’t actually volunteer) to kill the spider. With shoe in hand, he banged repeatedly on the ceiling muttering something I couldn’t quite catch. The only word I understood was ‘FAST’ and yes, it was. I am happy to say the spider is well and truly dead now and Olivia was able to drive herself home without incident.

Don' shoot a nigga!

Palatka is an entertaining place to be if you just have the right attitude and pay attention. Mostly I don’t like living here but occasionally I am reminded that in other places where higher culture abounds, people like the man my daughters and I met tonight aren’t as prevalent.

Kelly is home visiting for the weekend and had decided she was starving, she usually does this after everyone else has eaten but since I don’t see her as much and since we had been out most of the evening I relented and stopped at a local pizza take-out.

We were sitting in the parking lot talking to our friend (who had the same idea for dinner) and waiting for the pizza to finish when a black man on a bicycle pulled up quickly next to Kelly’s open window and said “Don’ shoot a nigga!” To which I calmly and brilliantly replied “I can’t, I don’t have a gun.” I suppose , if we had possessed any common sense (which I now doubt) we should have been frightened but we just burst into laughter. The man lifted up his shirt and said “I don’ either but dat don’ stop you fum callin’ da Poh-leece and dey’ll shoot a nigga!” I shouldn’t have but I cracked up even more.

He spouted on more about the perils of being a black man much to our delight and at the end of it all he left with $3.25 (our total combined worth) and we were offered a blessing of safety and a good night.

My friend, thankfully, had the good sense to stay until he left and I noticed she had her cell phone out, ready to call in the “Poh-leece” if needed.

Dawn

My friend Dawn is going to have her baby today. She is four days past her due date and is in Flaglar Hospital to be induced. I should be with her but I am waiting for everything to get started. Actually her parents are there and I have low tolerance for them so I am waiting until the last minute to head over. For a little while now I have been hoping little Blake would hurry up and make his appearance but today is Open house at the school and College night at the high school and I am torn by my obligations. I promised Dawn I would be there and I will...I just wish I knew what time to go over. The pitocin drip (meds to start labor) won't be given until noon maybe so givien the fact that I didn't have a baby until 12 hours later myself, would it be ok to assume the same for Dawn and go to the kids schools or play it safe and be there anyway.

I am a person who believes in having cake and eating it. We'll see.

September 2, 2009

I have had a very busy last few weeks. My kids have started school and so have the early mornings. Ben, bless his heart has taken the early morning shift and I feel like such a lazy good for nothing. You know it is bad when your 8 year old asks before she goes to bed if you will make it out of bed to say good bye to her. YIKES!! I told her I would make it this morning but I didn’t. My problem is that I didn’t marry a man who snored but I am married to one now. It is funny because he doesn’t snore loud. If I fall asleep before Ben, all is well and the snoring doesn’t wake me but if he falls asleep before me it is better if I just get up and sleep elsewhere otherwise I’ll never get to sleep. I think I made it to sleep about 1am. Oddly enough, I can sleep through Ben snoring but not the cats. They wake me up at 5 every morning to go outside. I don’t know why they can’t wait until 5:30 when Olivia and Stephanie wake up but I don’t dare chance it. After getting up to deal with that I suppose it would be better if I just stayed up but I don’t. I try to go back to sleep and lay there listening to Ben snore. He gets up about 6 to get Stephanie on the bus and I fall asleep then. For some reason at that point, I sleep like the dead and cannot wake up. I am tired all day and have started trying to go to bed early. The problem with that is that I am a night owl so going to bed early doesn’t feel natural to me.

The kids are doing ok in school, I suppose. They don’t like it much but they never really have. Olivia loves being a senior but her day is finished usually around noon. Kelly likes her new school and though she misses home (and home misses her) I think she is really enjoying her time with her grandparents. I am going to Trenton on Friday to pick her up. It will be the first time we’ve seen her in about 3 weeks. Stephanie will be 14 years old on Friday. I think the girls are planning on going to the high school football game Friday night with a birthday party for Steph on Saturday.

My friend Dawn’s baby is due on Sunday. I think because I have so much to do on Friday and Saturday, baby Murray will decide to put in his appearance then. Why not, right? I am excited and honored to have been asked to help coach Dawn with her labor. She will do great though. She has practiced telling me to ‘shut up’ and saying ‘I hate you’ I shutter to think what she is training her husband Chad to hear. I am very proud of how Dawn has cleaned up her language in preparation for her motherhood but have teased her that I won’t be the bit surprised if her baby comes out cussing.

Today is Kelly’s first day at Trenton High School. She changed her mind when I was halfway to Trenton to sign her up for Bell. The reason for this is sound though. My mother works at BHS and while it would be great to be there, my mother is planning to retire at the end of this year. In choosing to go to THS, she will be at the same school as two of her cousins (Jamie, 9th grade and Madison, 6th grade). She is now a Trenton Tiger with her school colors Black and Gold.

We found out recently that the high schools in Gilchrist Co do not offer honors classes and this was disappointing because Kelly was due to take three honors courses. She did have the option of taking the classes online at FLVS (Florida Virtual School) but declined when she found out her other option was to take the same classes from the local community college and receive college credit for them. She took her College Placement Test (CPT) last Friday and scored well enough to allow her into the classes. Now, if we can just convince her to study more seriously than before.

On Saturday, we attended a baby shower for my very good friend Dawn Murray. She is due to have her first child on Sept. 6th and I have been honored with the request to be in the delivery room with her and her husband Chad (aka Bad Chad or Chadalisious). Olivia and Stephanie may be there as well. Stephanie’s job will be making the phone calls, Olivia’s job will be ice chips, even though they don’t do ‘squat’ (ref. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2). And I will be holding her hand trying to find the words to convince her that she will love through this and that she doesn’t actually hate her husband. Good times!

I just received a text from my Dad. “Your ‘little tigger’ has been dropped off @ Tigger School. She was a little nervous, but her cuz is showing her around.”

Can’t wait to hear how it goes and I probably won’t have to; chances are she will text me during lunch, or earlier.

I don’t usually have nightmares but I had one the other night. Little wonder as I am under a bit of stress at the moment. It is 5:30AM and I am still having trouble sleeping. I hope by writing it down and trying to piece it out, I will get some relief and maybe some sleep later. Here goes…

In the dream I am living with my husband and my three youngest kids in my childhood home in St. Aug. Across the street from me is a couple who is arguing. During the dream the man kills the woman and I witness it. As I am watching I realize the man knows what I have seen. I am in my house with the kids in a back room and while I am on the phone with the 911 operator (who doesn’t seem to care for anything but gossip as she knows the guy) dismisses my call for help. The man comes over, looks in the window of the front door and starts to threaten me and the kids. Meanwhile, my husband is standing in the garden next to a tree watching it all happen.

I woke up terrified telling myself it was only a dream, it isn’t real. I still can’t sleep because while I know it isn’t real, it still bugs me and I need to figure this out.

My childhood home in St. Aug was a place with happy memories and a sense of security. Across the street was a vacant lot that allowed me to see Matanzas Bay and watch the boats if I sat on the front porch steps (which I did, a lot). The only thing I can figure is that I dreamed of a place that was secure and the murder I witnessed was my peace of mind being destroyed. When the ‘man’ realized I saw what was happening, he came to confront me and maybe destroy a ‘witness’. I don’t know why there were only three kids. (Maybe it is because the older ones are leaving home shortly). The 911 operator on the phone acted as if she knew the guy and only wanted to know what he had done this time. She didn’t mention sending any help. As the man is threatening me, I remember seeing Ben standing and wondering why he didn’t protect us. Thinking back, it seems that while it was Ben, it was a younger version of Ben. He just stood there but he had a very intense look on his face. Perhaps he wanted to help but just didn’t know what to do.

This could be a very accurate description of my life right now. Or it could be a bunch of hooey. I suppose it depends on who you ask. I hope it helps and I will give it some more thought. I have to be awake in an hour to take kids to the orthodontist as well as school shopping and go with my mother-in-law to the Y to exercise and then we may have company for dinner. One last family meal before Kelly goes to Trenton. Hopefully I will be so exhausted I will be asleep before my head hit’s the pillow. Let’s hope so.